Ward, I'm very worried about Beaver.
Mom's favorite vase.
She always says, "Don't play ball in the house."
Sit on it, Fonzie.
Hey!
What about me, Mallory?
What about my feelings?
Hey, I knew everything would be all right.
Dyno-mite!
During the '70s, millions huddled in front of their TVs
to watch the frothy antics of The Glimmer Gang.
Little Dickie Roberts formed the center of the show,
and his crooked smile
and casually tossed off catch phrases
became the fad of a nation longing for escapism.
This is his story.
Peggy Roberts had only one goal in life...
to be in showbiz.
And when she got pregnant,
she felt like it only slowed her down.
Peggy never said for sure who the father was,
but the most persistent rumor
concluded that it was David Soul,
the talented, hunky actor from Starsky and Hutch.
Don't give up on us, baby...
And on July 2, 1967,
Dickie Roberts came into the world.
Peggy began auditioning him for acting parts almost daily.
Here's Peggy Roberts in a 1989 interview.
When it came to auditions,
I used to dress him up for the part, whatever it was.
I mean, if they wanted a cowboy,
they got a cowboy.
Even if they wanted a girl, I'd give them one.
Do you know that he once auditioned
for Pippi Longstocking?
And he got the part.
I felt so stupid walking into an office
holding the kid's hand.
It was rough on me.
Then, in 1972, when NBC
created a show called The Glimmer Gang,
Dickie was cast immediately.
The show became an instant success
and soon Dickie's picture was plastered on magazines,
lunch boxes and board games.
And his trademark catch phrase was everywhere.
This is Nucking Futs!
But after six years of success, the ratings began to slip.
And just as fast as the Dickie phenomenon exploded,
it was over.
Dickie's mother, soon after, left him
and moved out of the area.
He found himself alone.
Here's former Eight is Enough star Dick Van Patten.
Stardom is really hard on child actors,
and when you throw in a horrible stage mother like Peggy Roberts,
poor little Dickie had no chance.
Nobody would hire the troubled actor,
and pictures surfaced of Dickie's odd behavior...
including compulsive glove wearing.
He had his name legally changed to "David Soul's Son."
Then, tired of explaining who David Soul was,
he tried "Hutch's Son."
Later, he changed it again
to the element chart symbols
for fluorine, titanium and zinc.
Today, Dickie Roberts
is certain that a showbiz comeback
is in the cards for him.
He is working as a valet parking cars.
But as everybody knows,
in Hollywood, sometimes your dreams can come true... again.
This is the story of Dickie Roberts,
the E! True Hollywood Story.
Hi, everybody, welcome back to celebrity boxing
with our special "Quake at the Lake" edition.
Tonight's going to be an amazing fight.
Our main event is about to begin
and is going to be the clash of the titans.
Former Webster star Emmanuel Lewis goes toe-to-toe
with former Glimmer Gang star Dickie Roberts.
Coming to the ring in the white trunks,
from The Glimmer Gang,
Dickie...
Roberts!
And now, his opponent,
wearing black trunks,
standing four feet, three inches,
weighing 92 pounds,
Emmanuel... Lewis!
It's Lewis time.
Lewis time, baby.
It's Lewis, you understand me?
Right now.
Tonight, Lewis time. Lewis time.
Uh-oh, look.
Lewis, Lewis, Lewis...
When was this guy in the joint?
- You suck. - Huh?
- What did she just say? - Did you hear that?
Get down there!
Ow! Let's be friends!
Yeah!
Where you going?
I liked your show.
Off the mat, sir.
- I'm throwing in the towel. - No, no, no.
The winner, Celebrity K.O. Champion...
The winner!
I can't believe this.
Uh... what am I doing here?
Come on, Cyndi, it's just a flat tire.
We'll get it fixed.
Then we'll be back home to Hollywood.
I like your hat.
Shut up.
First, you get your ass kicked
by some guy who's half your size...
I-I think he's on the juice.
No, I think you're just a puss.
Look, we're broke, okay?
Maybe now might be a good time
to try to sell that stupid autobiography
you write all the time.
I-I can't publish this right now,
because it ends up with me being a loser.
I have to wait to publish it
until I'm back on top, which I will be soon, I swear.
I'm going to have a big comeback.
There's something you got to face, baby.
Okay, there's not going to be any comeback.
Yes, there will be.
Yes, there will be, I know it.
So pathetic.
There has to be!
Dickie!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Grab it! Whoa, no!
Maybe we can drive it out of here.
Does insurance cover that?
What, being a moron?
No, they squeeze out of it
with that Act of An Idiot clause.
Ooh, here comes a car.
All right, now you get in
and then stall them so I can get in, too.
Yeah, I know the drill, champ.
Hey.
Where you going, stud?
It's up to you, sweetheart.
Hey, wait!
Cyndi, open up!
Cyndi, come on!
What are you doing?
Come on, I'll be a star again.
Dickie.
Leif, wow, how you doing?
How are you, man?
Good to see you.
Oh, my God. You're Leif Garrett.
I used to have such a crush on you.
Can I have your autograph?
Sure.
You guys want my autograph, too? Dickie Roberts?
No, I'm fine.
How about if I put it on a $5 bill?
Make it a $20?
Thanks.
They're sweet.
So, Dickie, how you been? What's up?
Just got back from a very successful TV stint.
No such thing as bad press, right?
Unless it's that.
So, Leif, what have you been up to?
I got a record out that I'm happy about.
Rock and roll, man.
Went on an acting audition about three months ago.
Well, that's great man.
I've been going on movie auditions all the time,
like every day.
Hey, you going to read for Mr. Blake's Backyard?
I definitely am.
I was... where...
What-What's that one again?
Rob Reiner's new film?
It's the talk of the town.
Yes, Rob Reiner.
My God, did his dog have puppies yet?
Ooh, I should send him a note.
You know what, I have to call him anyway.
I left my sweater in his guest room.
It's called Mr. Blake's Backyard?
Remember how Frank Sinatra in his comeback
played Maggio in From Here to Eternity,
and then won the Oscar?
Or like Travolta in Pulp Fiction?
It's the role of a lifetime, man.
Great. Leif, I got to go.
It was good to see you, man.
Hey, are we still on for poker Thursday?
Sidney, where are you?
I've left three messages.
Listen, there's this new movie, it's a Rob Reiner movie.
You got to get me in...
- Dickie. - Go to go.
Are you going to park cars or what?
They're stacking up.
Yes, sir, Mr. Rollins.
Look, Dickie, the only reason I hired you
is I used to watch your show,
and your life is kind of pathetic.
Thanks for being a fan.
You know what?
You never get anywhere unless you bend the rules a little bit.
Woo-hoo.
Uh, this is the Wernick Agency.
This is his assistant... Shaquikwa speaking.
Sidney, where the hell have you been?
I've been calling all morning.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, you know those pigeons I feed?
They attacked me, six of the bastards.
I had to go get stitches.
Wait a second, wait a second.
Oh, come on, what is this guy doing?
Hey, move that pile.
The light ain't getting any greener, jarhead.
Hey, screw you, man.
Why don't you step out of that little,
bitty wussy car and talk to my face, huh?
Hey, screw you.
I'll kick your steroid-Ioving ass, moron.
Jujube.
I'm going to bust you up, man.
Smell you later, stink bomb.
I'll find you.
Three, G, Q...
Hey, Dickie, aren't you worried about that guy
tracking you down and beating the crap out of you?
No, I'm in someone else's car, plus the windows are tinted.
Hey, listen, this movie part
sounds like the key to everything, man.
You've got to get me in to see Rob Reiner.
And as your agent, let me ask you this...
you got any ideas?
'Cause, I mean, that's just way out of our league.
Now, you want to get on Elimidate,
that's a different story.
I think if I talk to some movie stars,
they can help me.
Yeah, you, where are you going to meet movie stars?
Oh, man, that's the easy part.
So, I woke up in a boxcar outside Lincoln, Nebraska.
All right, it was 5:00 in the morning.
Hey, Tom Arnold, what's up?
Hey, hey, it's Tom "A" in here, okay?
And keep quiet; it's just getting good.
She's a cross-addicted sex addict.
Ooh.
And I realized that I had hit bottom.
I hit bottom.
I see you on TV all the time.
You're doing great. Listen, what's up?
Hey, Orville and Wilbur called.
They want to buy your collars.
They're going to take off from Kitty Hawk at sundown.
What does that mean?
They invented the airplane,
and your lapels are unusually huge.
That's funny.
Yeah.
Or is it?
I can bench-press 350 pounds.
That's great. That's a lot.
Hey, man, I see you everywhere.
You're kicking ass.
True Lies was great.
I rent it all the time.
Can you get me in with Rob Reiner?
Excuse me. Sir?
Can we help you?
Are you here because you're an alcoholic?
Whoa. No. No. Baby.
Don't get that floating around town.
Last thing I need is people to think
I'm some drunk, alkie loser.
Not that it's bad. I mean, it's cool.
You need to be an alcoholic to be here.
All right.
Aw, there's got to be another AA meeting around here somewhere.
Bingo. I'll take Brendan Fraser to block.
Whew! Sorry I'm late, gang, but I am wasted.
Drinking shots like a madman.
I'm chocked, cocked and crapulous.
You know what I mean?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Right? Who's with me?
This guy knows what I'm saying.
Can we help you?
Oh, God, I hope you can.
My name's Dickie Roberts,
and I'm a whiskey-puking alkie.
Well, that's all very interesting,
but this is a Lamaze class.
Oh. Okay. Nice to see you.
I'm telling this story to everybody I see.
That's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed.
Maybe it was.
But listen, what are you doing in Lamaze class anyway?
Is your wife pregnant?
Yeah. My wife is pregnant.
Here she is now. Have you met?
- Uh... no. - Actually, we have.
Three years ago, you hit on me, and I shot you down,
and then you stole my number from a friend.
You know that we've been married more than three years, right?
And then you drunk-dialed me,
like, 30 times, trying to hook up
some sort of booty call.
Yes, right. What's up?
Anyway, I got to pee.
Nice to see you.
Yes. Good to see you again.
Anyway, Brendan, I'm a big fan and...
And you think that you could score
if I got you an audition for Mr. Blake's Backyard?
Oh, my God. Of course.
Yeah, I can make a phone call for you. Is it Rob Reiner?
Oh, my God! I love Brendan Frazier.
Fraser.
It is Fraser.
It's Fraser. Why do people say...?
So, my good buddy...
maybe you've heard of him-
Jorge of the Jungle... Brendan Frazier.
Oh, you heard me.
I didn't stutter.
Brendan Frazier is going to make a call...
hook me up with Rob Reiner.
Did Mr. Frazier call you?
I'll believe it when I see it.
Okay, I raise ten bucks.
Actually, one buck
and the original braces that Marcia wore
in the "Brace Yourself" episode...
easily worth nine bucks on eBay.
Gross. I'm in.
All right, I'm in.
All right, speaking of big stars,
anybody see who People Magazine gave "Sexiest Man Alive" to?
George Clooney. Don't get it.
George Clooney? That doesn't make sense.
Who is voting on that stuff?
You know what, though?
George Clooney is a great star.
He's huge, and deservedly so.
I loved that boat movie.
You know who I don't get is Brad Pitt.
Yeah, what's up with Brad Pitt?
Brad Pitt changes his hair every day.
Are girls really into guys with great hair,
pretty faces and built like a truck?
- Yeah. - Actually, yeah.
You know, one time,
someone thought I was Brad Pitt from the side.
Yeah, I know, like, 20 people who thought you were a girl
and not from the side.
Watch it.
I raise two bucks
with this authentic replica of the jinxed
Tiki idol from the Brady episode
"Hawaii Bound."
Easily worth two bucks on eBay.
I am out.
Yeah, I'm out.
I'm out.
There's your two.
And you know who I don't get? Vin Diesel.
Oh, yes!
Who's Vin Diesel?
Is he good-Iooking?
I mean, I don't know what's going on with him.
Is he Chinese? I don't know.
That's so horrible, man.
You're such a dick.
Besides, he'd kick your ass.
Come on, Dickie.
How jealous can you get, really?
It's getting bad.
Vin Diesel's actually a cool guy.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
He actually lent me money once.
I just want to be a star again so goddamn bad.
What's the thing you miss the most, Dickie?
You know what? It's not the limos.
Oh, I miss the limos.
It's not the girls, the money, the parties...
The girls, the money, the parties...
No, wait. Seriously, you guys had limos?
You know what? It's not that stuff I miss.
It's something else. It's... it's something
I miss so bad it hurts.
I just miss the love, you know? I miss...
My mom loved me when I was a star,
and people loved me when I was a star.
And when somebody loves you, it gives you a center.
It makes you feel good inside.
That's what being a star did for me.
But you know what?
It's all going to happen.
I got my fingers crossed.
I got my hopes up for this Rob Reiner thing.
Anyway... back to work.
Two pair, Williams.
Read it and weep.
Uh-uh-uh!
What are you, nucking futs?
Four of a kind.
You lose.
Oh, man.
And, Dickie,
they don't give out giant Rob Reiner parts to guys like us.
And I'll bet you a thousand dollars...
I'll make it a hundred dollars...
and the actual football we used to hit Marcia in the face with
in that "Oh, My Nose, My Nose" episode,
Brendan Frazier never calls.
Hold, please.
No freakin' way.
Go for Dickie.
"Go for Dickie."
Brendan.
Of course I can meet Rob Reiner tomorrow at noon.
You're the coolest. You came through.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! He did it!
Sidney, this is the big one.
I'm telling you, I can feel it.
Thanks for letting me use your car.
You go, son. Go. You hang on to that energy.
Oh, I will. I'm going to nail this bastard.
All right, now, remember:
You believe, you'll receive.
You doubt, you'll go without.
Oh, here's my song. I got to go.
It is the night
My body's weak
I'm on the run, no time to sleep
Word to your mother.
I'm going to ride
Ride like the wind
To be a star again
Changing the words, not the vibe.
Whoo-hoo! This part is mine!
Boom.
Hold the door!
Okay.
Hold it.
I've got it.
Ooh!
Oh.
Hello?
Of course.
Listen, sorry about that.
It's just I couldn't be late to see Rob.
Yikes! I mean, not yikes.
I mean, what bump?
Hey, are these
Mr. Blake's Backyard? Can I have one?
Everybody in town is dying to read it,
but this script is on a complete and total lockdown.
However...
I'll sneak you a copy
'cause I recognize you from that TV show.
- Ooh, you will? - Sure.
Although you'll have to wait
until hell freezes over, asshole!
Yes?
Yeah.
Mr. Reiner will see you now.
Okay.
Dickie Roberts!
This is nucking futs!
Say it.
This is nucking futs!
Hilarious.
Now say it in Spanish.
Aw, I'm kidding ya.
So Nicholson says to Tom Cruise...
you know, in that... that Jack voice of his...
"That Demi Moore is a really good actress.
"We should re-title the movie
A Few Good Men and One Damn, Hot Chick with Huge Boobs."
Didn't I see you
parking cars at Morton's Restaurant?
Me?
Yes, you did.
I'm researching a role for a movie,
and that movie is called Valet Parkers.
But you know what?
If I got your movie, I'd turn that thing down. Who cares?
So this part...
I mean, you are exactly the height that I imagined.
You have the right build, the right hair,
the right basic look.
Know this:
I will do any form of drastic cosmetic surgery
to change my appearance to help the look.
But... and this is a very big but...
this is a huge acting part.
I mean, the entire movie hinges on this performance.
And, Dickie, I just don't think you could handle it.
I mean, because, well...
because you're not a real person.
Not real?
I don't mean to insult you.
It's just that, you know, when an actor researches a part,
it takes weeks, sometimes months,
to get inside of a character.
For you to research this part,
you'd have to find out what it's like to be normal.
Because basically, that's this guy.
He's just a simple, normal guy.
I could do that. That's easy.
But you don't even know what normal is.
You completely missed out
on the basic foundation of adulthood...
which is a childhood.
Who cares about all that stuff?
Look, I'm good.
Throw me a little somethin'-somethin'
from this supposed childhood I missed, I'll act it out, man.
Check it out.
A-All right. Uh...
Let's say you're... you're six.
Uh, let me see the look on your face
on Christmas morning when you creep down the stairs
and you see that red bike under the tree.
You probably never even had that experience.
Gotcha, six, bike, tree, stairs.
Fake stairs.
Holy shit! A bike!
You're six.
Holy crap! A bike!
You're six.
Ga-ga, goo-goo bikey.
Too far back.
Dickie, you're a mess.
I mean, I-I don't know what you'd have to do
to straighten out.
You'd probably have to relive your entire childhood.
Wait.
I'm not actually casting this part
for another couple of months,
but barring some kind of a miracle,
Yeah.
I just don't think this is right for you.
But you just said...
Said what?
If I relive my childhood.
I can do that.
Dickie, you're going to hire a family?
That's why I'm selling my book... I need money.
We're happy about that.
This is amazing stuff.
What a life you've led.
The only thing I ask
is that you minimize the sexy, sensational stuff
because it might hurt my career with people like Rob Reiner.
Here on, uh, page 47, it says you had a whistle
stuck up your ass.
Yeah, stuff like that.
I think we should... cut it.
Yeah, but it's a whole chapter.
- It's fantastic. - And, also,
I had a lightbulb up there, too.
- A lightbulb? - Well, partially.
It was sticking out a little bit and when I bent over,
it looked like my ass had a good idea.
Dickie, this whole thing just sounds bizarre.
No, you know what, I need this.
You know I want a big comeback and this is the one.
Please help me on this, Sidney. Come on.
Of course, our standard advance
for something like this is $30,000.
Did you say $30,000?
Holy God Almighty!
Christ on a crutch!
We'll take it!
You have 67 messages.
First message:
I saw your ad about hiring a family.
You that actor guy needs a family?
Uh, yeah, but, you know what,
this whole thing's not going to work,
but thank you.
Get back here!
Dance with the devil!
Leave me alone!
You got the cizash, we got the family.
Sad Eye Sadie...
...Mad Dog, is it, Giant?
Uh, I'm going to think about it.
Great.
Hey, yo, Dickie.
You nucking futs? Yo.
Call a bitch.
I don't actually have a family, per se.
Is it hot in here?
I'm just going to take off my robe.
Oh!
Oh, God.
This one's been teasing me.
Come on, Popeye.
Hello.
Hi.
- Uh, may I help you? - Yeah. I got a message
that you had a family
that was willing to put me up for a month?
Uh, sorry, there must be some mistake.
No, uh, 741 Mockingbird.
Is this the Finney residence?
Yes, it is,
but I don't know what you're talking about.
- Hey, George. - Hey, Andy.
Dickie Roberts.
"This is nucking futs!"
It is.
George Finney... big fan.
I just loved your show.
Oh, my goodness.
I thought you looked familiar.
But, George, did you...?
Oh, Grace, I should explain.
Dickie and I talked on the phone
about a mutually advantageous
business venture. Why don't we, uh,
go inside; I'll explain everything.
All right, that sounds great.
- Hey. - This is the casa.
- Whoo! - Kids?
Kids?
Hey, kids, come here for a second.
I want you to meet somebody.
George, can I talk to you for a minute?
Just a second, Grace.
Dickie, this is Sam and Sally.
Sam's the boy,
so, that must make her Sally.
Okay, why don't you guys make small talk,
and Grace and I will pop into the other room
and hammer out some details.
Hi.
How are you?
We're fine.
How are you?
You don't think you should have run all this by me first?!
George, you invited a stranger to live in our home.
It's only for a month or so.
- Well... - Look,
you just finished night school, right?
Studied your interior design thing.
That cost money.
Money we don't have.
That is one of the reasons I took those classes...
so I can contribute an income.
When?
George...
All I'm saying is we could
really use this extra money right now.
Pay for some TV ads down at the car lot.
Take some of the pressure off of me.
I'm asking you this as a favor.
Help me out with this.
I think it'll be a good thing.
I'm going to need a bed.
Should it be a crib?
Here's a $20.
I like the idea.
Let's just bring it back a touch, okay?
Seriously, how about a water bed?
A water bed?
Yeah, I got a little lower back noise.
My neck's crunching up.
I think I'll move in tomorrow, bright and early.
Sounds great, huh?
Operation Re-do Childhood is about to begin.
I don't want him in our room.
Kids, we really want this thing with Mr. Roberts to work out,
so, let's try and be as accommodating as possible.
Okay?
I like that; I like where you're headed.
That's the right attitude.
All right.
Dickie, I'm telling you, I've called Reiner's office
over and over.
They won't put me through.
I must have left five to six to seven or eight messages.
Well, then, leave nine, ten or eleven.
Come on, by the end of all this, Sidney,
you've got to get me that audition.
Dickie, I bet you wish you had a better agent.
No, you're my agent, man.
Come on, we're a team.
Hey, by the way, I read that script,
Mr. Blake's Backyard last night.
Oh, yeah?
I couldn't make head or tails of it.
It's got so much adult stuff, blah, blah, blah...
I didn't know what was going on.
Maybe I do need to learn something.
Well, Hutch is your dad.
You've got more talent in your veins
than half the actors in this town.
You'll be great.
Sidney, David Soul is not my father.
Oh, kid, I'm sorry.
Is it Starsky?
No. It's neither.
I don't really remember my real dad.
The only memory I have
is playing that board game Candy Land.
I was about five or six.
We were laughing.
I was really happy.
But then he left,
and it was just me and my mom for a while,
and then she left, so...
I'm sorry, kid.
Sidney, the point is, you've always been there for me.
You've been a good guy.
You're a good agent; I appreciate it.
All right, listen, you go do your project,
and I promise you, I'll do whatever it takes
to get you that audition
with Rob Reiner, okay?
I never doubted you for a second.
We're a team.
We're going to get this.
Go get 'em!
And another thing, Stranger Danger,
all these video games... they're mine.
And, uh, Sally's stuff... that's hers.
So, no touchy.
Hey, can you knock it off
with the Stranger Danger moniker?
I'm not nuts about it.
Well, I think this water bed thing is a little silly.
Are you, like, cuckoo in the head?
Yeah, and I don't think you should turn on that hose.
You'll get a Water Wiggle action going.
Ooh, Water Wiggle... what's that?
The toy... Water Wiggle?
You don't know what toy that is?
Uh-uh.
Oh, man, this is sad.
You really did miss out, didn't you, Stranger Danger?
Well, I can teach you
how to put Preparation H on your eyes
to get rid of bags, huh?
I'll help you, you help me.
I'm just saying
a Water Wiggle will beat the crap out of you.
Yeah, it's less of a toy and more of a bruise machine.
I like that, that's interesting, tell me more.
What other toys should I know?
Uh, Gobots, Hot Wheels, Robodon.
Transformers.
Slip 'n Slide.
Stratego.
Mousetrap.
- Trolls. - Hurry Up.
- He-man. - Slinky.
- Dumarina. - Click Clacks.
- Pac-Man. - Clue.
- Wheel-o. - Donkey Kong.
- Caterpillar. - Duncan Yo-Yo.
- Razor Scooters. - Return to Wolfenstein.
Uh-uh-uh. Okay, that's enough.
Don't make me call the Guinness Book.
But what about the best game of all?
Come on, guys.
Candy Land?
- No. - Don't know it.
No? I got you.
Whoo! In your face. Candy Land.
That was the most fun I had as a kid.
I remember I picked the card with the ice-cream bar on it.
I was like...
We have a winner! Whoo!
Yeah, whatever.
But still, it's Water Wiggle
that you should be thinking about.
Steady, Chicken Little.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
What's up? You like that?!
Yeah! What happened, bitch? Huh?
Damn, that Water Wiggle thing is like a Stephen King movie.
It's supposed to be a toy?
Anyway, okay, so, this is a Water Wiggle.
Any other toys you want to show me?
Oh, my gosh.
Look at all this shizzit.
What's shizzit?
It's a secret way to swear.
Again, learn from me, I'll learn from you.
These were all our toys from when we were kids.
Yeah.
Seems like only yesterday.
Wow, we sure did have a lot of shizzit.
Farm-a-Iong.
The rooster crows his morning crow.
And the horse whinnies
- For its rider. - Boring.
Let me guess... the cow says "moo"
and the duck says "quack."
You need to update this thing.
How about "The sprinkler says..."
Yeah. And a motorcycle goes...
And the jet ski... similar to the motorcycle, not the same.
See, it bogs out a little bit
'cause you got water in the carb. Hmm?
Sally's looking at me like, "You're an idiot."
Well, get in line, sister, because my ex-girlfriend says,
"You're a loser,"
and the casting director says, "You're washed up,"
and my mom says, "You're an embarrassment,"
and the guy in the street says, "You suck,"
and I said, "No, you suck," and he says, "You suck, dude,"
and I go, "No, you suck,"
and he goes, "You know you suck," and I go...
The rooster crows. The rooster crows.
What else you got?
Could you pass the potatoes, please?
Popeye, no.
Go.
Oh, hey, Mom, where's my field hockey jersey?
I couldn't find it.
Hmm. I washed it and folded it and put it in your drawer.
No wonder you couldn't find it.
Hey, Stranger Danger, I got to ask,
what's with the gloves?
It's kind of freaking me out.
Uh, sanitary reasons. Shh.
Anyway, you guys,
I don't want to stop you... keep going.
Talk, talk, talk.
I love all this normal crap.
"Crap?"
Stuff. Normal stuff.
Hey, where's George?
I want a little Dad action.
He's hardly ever at dinner.
Sally, Jane called.
She wants you to call her back.
Who's this Jason boy she's got a crush on?
Oh, just some boy, but Heather Bolan
is totally stealing him away from her.
Why?
Because she can.
She's the most beautiful girl in the school,
and whatever she wants, she gets.
Heather Bolan has an older brother.
He's a real jerk.
He totally picks on Sam.
It seems like everybody at school does.
There's my phone. Shh. Two seconds.
Go for Dickie.
Hey, Dickie.
Hey, Sidney.
I just got back from Rob Reiner's office.
Guess who was there?
Sean Penn.
No, not Sean Penn!
Not Sean Penn! Damn!
Oh, Dickie, don't worry about it.
I struck up a friendship with Rob's security people.
I really feel we're moving forward.
Yes! And this studying-up- on-being-a-kid thing
is going great.
Get me in there,
I'll nail that part like Jesus the Carpenter.
All right, I'll see you later, buddy.
Heh-heh! Whoo!
Oh, sorry.
I get a little excited.
I'm gonna go drain the main vein, how about that?
I mean, I go pee pee now.
It's so crazy.
The Water Wiggle thing was a joke.
He destroyed this toy that pissed him off.
It's like he was totally out of control.
Mom, you've got to listen to me.
We don't want him around anymore.
Can't you make him go away?
I'd like to,
but your father made this deal with him.
Wait, I got it.
Let's pretend that staying in our tree house out back
is good for his project.
Yeah. But, Sam, the tree house is pretty old and crappy.
So is he.
We want him out of our house, don't we?
Don't we?
Hey.
You know what, Dickie?
We came up with a great idea.
Maybe you should stay out back in the tree house.
Sam, that's a great idea.
A real kid would do that, wouldn't he?
Yeah. Yeah, that might be fun.
All right.
I wonder what he's doing up there.
Who cares, just so Stranger Danger's out of our house.
But still.
Yeah.
It actually looks pretty cool.
Is that a disco ball?
Woo!
See, maybe we should peek our heads in.
Okay, let me do the talking.
Uh, may I help you?
Was I being too loud in my tree house?
Um...
Well, we just wanted to know
if we could come up.
"Can we come up?"
All right, you can come up
for a little bit, see what you're missing.
Well, you really fixed this place up, didn't you?
Oh, yeah, I did.
Put a little lipstick on this pig.
But I'm confused, 'cause you like it now,
and I thought the tree house was a drag.
If I took a poll, people would say it sucked.
But maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm a dumb-dumb.
It is kind of cool now.
Oh, it's cool now.
You hear that?
It's kind of cool now.
Let's go.
Wait.
Don't leave. You guys can stay.
What do you want to do?
And so the hook hand
was hanging there on the car door.
Ooh, that was intense.
Okay, now it's my turn.
All right.
This is the story of the witch of Cloverfield Central School.
Once upon a time, there was this witch in school.
She was a very, very bad witch.
Ha, ha.
All the boys liked her,
because they didn't know what a bad witch she was.
Sally, does this witch have a name?
Mm... No, not really.
Just a witch.
Right, and Sally, what does this witch look like?
Okay, she dresses very nice,
'cause her dad has a lot of money.
Really hot capris, super tight Zootopia tops.
I don't think this is a witch.
I think it's Heather Bolan.
What? That's crazy.
Okay, it's Heather Bolan.
Oh, you know what, Sally?
I don't like her and I've never even met her.
Anyone who bugs you can't be good.
Now it's my turn.
My story is called "The Day the Sitcom Got Canceled."
The sky, she was stormy that night.
Suddenly, the phone rang.
The little boy's mother picked it up.
"Hello?"
The evil producer on the other end said,
"The ratings have hit a six-year low."
It gets scarier.
"The network is in a panic."
Yeah. Here's where it heats up.
They didn't have a replacement show.
No, no!
Dickie!
I know, what are they going to do?
What? What's wrong?
There's something...
Okay, I'll stop. What?
No.
Don't, don't.
Get away.
No, get off.
He's having a nightmare.
He's been talking in his sleep like that for the last hour.
Dickie?
He's getting... Get off.
- Don't leave me. - Dickie, wake up.
No. It's on me.
I can't...
Mom?
What?
Do something.
No, not again.
Dickie, wake up. Dickie, wake up.
Wake up.
You were having a bad dream.
Oh, there were these big spiders
and they... they were trying to eat me
and they jammed their legs down my ear
and in my brain, and they were...
Mom.
...guts of my head and...
Come on, Mom, sing it.
And there was so many...
Okay. Dickie,
this is what I do for my kids
when they're having a nightmare.
Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird don't sing
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring
If that diamond ring turns brass...
Okay.
Let's go to bed. It's okay.
Now, that was probably the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
You feel bad, and your mom
actually tries to make you feel not bad.
Wow.
By the way, your mom's really hot.
- What? - Ew!
What, am I wrong?
And what's the backyard like?
Has she got the G-string going
or them big ol' grannies with the louvers?
I'm betting sweet thong.
- Ugh! - Gross!
Yuck.
Come on, Sam, pretend she's not your mom.
Are they real?
I think they're real.
I bumped into them the other day
and it was like "boing," and I was like "boing."
Dickie, she's our mom.
She's my mom, too, and I'm dealing with it somehow.
Anyway.
Good night, prude people.
Dream the dream of prudes.
Prude it up.
Have a nice G-rated dream full of prudiness.
Go to sleep, Dickie.
Okay, Stranger Danger, this is a Slip 'n Slide.
If you master this,
it's the first step to being a real kid.
- Great. - Dickie,
there has to be water on it.
Oh, that's...
that's going to leave a mark.
That... stings.
Good to go.
- Yeah, all right. - He did it.
That was great.
I got something better.
Just water is lame.
This thing needs a little Wesson-ality.
Dickie, are you sure about this?
Steady.
Here we go.
Oh, shizzit!
Ow...!
Splinter.
That toy is Insane in the membrane
Insane, got no brain.
I got pretty banged up out there, but I learned some stuff.
Let's keep it mellow in the future.
So, what do you drink, being a kid?
Uh, soda, like-like root beer.
Well, not a wussy kid.
A real kid, all right?
You had me at the beer part, but you lost me at root.
Now, let's not jump to malt liquor,
but something in the middle.
How about real beer?
Whoa, lady. Easy.
Whoa.
Okay, real beer. How many?
Six-pack?
So, you're crazy?
A six-pack?
Are you a total alkie?
Oh, my gosh.
How about four?
One for you, one for you,
and two for me 'cause I'm kind of a husky kid.
Okay, so a six-pack.
You just said four.
Oh, the wussy's taking the minutes of the meeting.
Okay, four it is.
I'll buy. I'll fly.
We have beer.
We're not supposed to drink that.
What?
We're supposed to think about drinking beer
one day, in the future.
It's like, uh, you know, "When I get older,
I'm going to be allowed to drink beer."
It's going too fast.
I knew kids that were on TV shows
getting whiffed up when they're 16.
"Whiffed up"?
Whiff, coke, toot, lines, blast, rails,
nose candy, devil's dandruff,
power flour, sniffy jiffy,
booger sugar.
Come on, Sam, the rest of the class is on page 52.
Dickie, when you're talking to me, all I'm thinking is
Brick wall, waterfall
Dickie thinks he got it all, but he don't
And I do, so boom with that attitude
Peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch
I got something you can't touch
Bang, bang, choo-choo train
Wind me up, I do my thing
No Reese's Pieces, 7 UP
Mess with me, I'll mess you up.
Interesting.
Whatever.
Anyway.
By the way, sniffy jiffy, it's no good.
Don't do it.
Let me tell you something.
About this putting stuff off?
When I was your age, I did whatever I wanted,
whenever I wanted.
Okay, see, that might be why you're such a mess now.
Oh! How dare you.
Anyway, check this out.
Look, I went ahead
and got you your precious root beer.
Ooh, I love it.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
"I am Iron Man."
I want to bang your mother.
I said I want...
Oh...
By the way, thanks, you guys.
For what?
Being nice to me.
Knocking off the Stranger Danger thing.
Well, Dickie, you're actually a pretty cool guy.
I mean, very deep down inside you.
I mean, really deep.
So deep that some people stop looking.
Deeper than a well.
Deeper than the ocean.
Deeper than the Marianas Trench.
Deeper than a volcano.
Deeper than a...
All right, I got it... it's deep.
Now, shh.
Sleepy time.
Little prude sleep.
Insane in the membrane
Insane, got no brain.
What time did you get in last night?
Would you get off my back?
I was out with a salesman all night.
They like to drink.
Morning.
Mommy, Daddy, bro, sis.
Good morning.
Morning, Dickie.
Hey, Pebbles, where's Bamm-Bamm?
Oh! Interesting.
Got a little champagne brunch for my new family.
How about that? Mimosa for me posse?
Champagne for my real friends,
and I'm a real pain to my sham friends.
Dickie, I'd like you to stop by the dealership today.
Oh, a little father-son thing?
What do I say to that, Sam?
Give it a yea?
I wouldn't know.
He never asked me to go to work with him.
All right, mark you down as no help.
Sally, over to you? Yea?
Yeah, a "yay" will cover it.
Yay!
So head up there around, what, 12:00-ish?
All right. Heh-heh.
Hey, and you... push me in a stroller.
I want to get a feel for that thing.
What?
Ah-dah-dah.
Daddy!
Mommy's balking.
She doesn't understand...
I'm up against the likes of Mr. Sean Penn here.
Grace, let's try and make this work.
Yes, let's try to make it work.
Thanks, Daddy. Whoo!
Whoo, whoopie!
This feels a little odd.
Dude, I'm the one in the stroller.
Did you just call me "dude"?
I mean, "Mommy!"
It's hard to get my head around that word.
You know, my actual mother
wanted me to call her by her first name.
And you're, like, way too beautiful
to be a mom.
I mean, you obviously are a mother, so...
I'm wrong, but maybe you're not as beautiful as I think you are.
Wow, let me sift
through that to find the nugget of compliment.
Sift away, sifty.
You realize, don't you, that this whole idea
is without a doubt
the most ridiculous endeavor ever attempted.
Oh, Grace?
Hi-hi, Mrs. Gertrude.
You know, your tree is dropping leaves
on our property again.
Oh, I'm really sorry.
It's just that I...
It's getting to be a nuisance,
and we're trying to be good neighbors,
but you're really making it hard.
Oh, who do we have here?
Aren't you a little big for a stroller?
Aren't you a little big for a sidewalk?
I mean, good God, hide the wicker furniture.
Whoo! This ass means business.
Folks, this is not a drill.
China, I'm sorry about the tremors,
but this lady needs her mail.
What, cat got your tongue,
or do you eat that for breakfast, too?
And you keep your filthy dog Popeye out of our yard, too,
you horrid neighbor!
Ca-coon, ca-coon, ca-coon.
Dickie, you were very rude to her.
Well, and she was straight-up with you?
Come on, Grace,
you got to learn to stand up for yourself.
But to be honest,
I kind of liked standing up for you just then.
Well, it...
I will say, in a way, it was nice.
I'm not used to it.
Hey! You're that guy from the TV show.
The washed-up actor freak.
Can I get a picture?
You know what?
You put it that way, you sure can.
Look at this.
Smile.
Zoom. Nice.
Ah. There you go, Cap'n.
Memories are forever.
Hey, make doubles.
Unbelievable.
No, look, I'm sorry, all right?
Look, I'm new at this, too.
I need your help.
Well, I'll tell you this much...
you're going to have to disguise yourself somehow.
Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean?
Like, dye your hair.
Anything, so people don't recognize you
and make you forget you're trying to be a kid.
That's a great idea.
Oh, not only is she sexy, she's a smart mommy!
Why did that compliment almost make me puke?
What'd I say?
That was nice.
So, this Indian's sitting by the side of the road.
He's selling clay pots.
Now a tourist is looking 'em over.
He says, "Hey,
"you're selling this pot for five dollars.
You got the same exact pot over there for ten dollars."
And the Indian says,
"Some people like to spend five dollars;
other people like to spend ten dollars."
Ah, I got a better joke.
Two gay monkeys go to Istanbul...
Dickie, it's not a joke,
it's a philosophy of life: money.
Oh...
Making money... isn't money
what your little comeback thing is all about?
Actually, no, it's...
I'll be honest with you, Dickie.
I've been married for 14 years to the same woman,
and we got a couple of kids.
They seem like nice kids.
I don't know, I don't spend a lot of time with them.
I'm not really much of a kid person.
Man, I'm on a treadmill, Dickie.
I look around,
I see everybody else is having all the fun.
Just when I think I can't take it anymore,
you fall into my lap.
You're my answer, Dickie.
You're the thing that's gonna make me happy.
I'm not into dudes, if that's what you're ramping up to.
Like, I don't. I did. I don't anymore.
All I'm saying is,
you get what you want out of my family...
let me get something out of you.
Star maps here.
Maps to the stars' homes.
God bless you, sir.
Thanks.
Hey, Rob Reiner's not on this map.
God bless you, sir.
Ah...
Mm, hey.
Oh, what time is it?
3:20. Oh, I gotta go meet the kids.
Look at little Sammy, the sissy.
Come on, you guys, just leave him alone.
Ah!
His wittle sister has to stand up for him.
What a little wussy Sam is.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
What'd I ever do to you?
Sammy, the sissy, acting all prissy.
Sammy the sissy, acting all prissy.
Guys, he's minding his own business.
Sammy, the...
- Why don't you? - Sam, Sally, what's up?
Dickie, is that you?
Holy crap on toast!
Look at this freak!
Figures he'd be with Sam Finney, huh, Sammy?
Let's get out of here.
Leave him alone, you creeps!
What did you call us, you little bitch?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you just said the wrong thing
to the wrong little girl, Cap'n.
What does she weigh, 20?
What do you weigh, 2,000?
You want to pick on her? Why not pick on me?
You bastards want to go toe-to-toe with me?
I'll go Water Wiggle on your ass.
Huh?
"Huh? Wha?
I don't understand words. I'm a dumb-dumb."
Is that red hair, or did someone light a fart off your mouth?
- Hey! - Hey?
Don't you mean oink?
Little Piggy, shouldn't you run off to the market?
Oink, oink.
That was crazy.
Now the crowd's turning on you, and that sucks.
Tell you what. Listen.
Red, tub o' goo, freak of nature,
why don't you guys run home, pee your pants,
cry your eyes out,
spank each other's chubby, little butts,
get up, have an Eggo,
run back here, and we'll do it all again?
'Cause I like working out
on you puke-stained, little punching bags.
A-choo!
Now beat it.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- Get out of my way! - Sam Finney's
way cooler than any of you will ever be.
What a joke.
Oh, yeah!
Mom, you should have seen Dickie back there.
It was awesome!
He totally nailed these kids.
It was a verbal beating, a carpet bombing.
Actually, Dickie,
I can't believe what you did to your hair.
What? Oh...
No wonder everyone was staring at me.
What a weirdo.
Dickie, it was great how you tore into those guys.
I'm not impressed that Dickie insulted
a bunch of your friends.
Well, they're not really friends.
Yeah, you should have seen these guys.
I mean, I hope they never come back.
They're losers.
Just-just, Mom, relax.
Relax?
Wrong attitude with a mom, buddy.
You got to keep it light,
- And, you know, deferential. - Oh!
Look, you guys, before pizza,
I've got to swing by this interview.
It'll just take a few minutes.
They just want to meet the voice from the phone.
You got an interview? For what?
An interior design job.
They looked at my drawings, and they liked them.
Mom, that's great!
- Wow. - Mm-hmm.
That is some cool shizzit.
What did you just say?
Shizzit.
It's a Dickie word.
Dickie, after my interview,
you and I are going to have a serious talk.
Mom, I... Dickie will be fine.
Yeah, he may have a few rough edges,
but we'll file 'em down for him.
Ah, see, Mommy? It's all gonna work out.
Oh, boy.
I don't know this part of town at all.
My first interview, and I'm going to blow it
because I can't find the house.
Turn it, turn it!
Oh, no, do you believe this?
God, I'm really going to be late.
You know what? Dickie to the rescue.
I've got an idea.
Let me see that address.
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Oh, my God, there's a fire
at the McHenry house, 368 North Hobart Street!
Hurry!
Follow those fire trucks.
Come on, Mommy.
Unbelievable.
You think a false alarm is funny?
You think it's okay to phone in a fire?!
Well, it's called
being aggressive towards your career, you know?
You want something, you gotta work at it.
That's day-one stuff.
You know what, no matter how much you want something,
you don't trample others to get it,
and you certainly don't break the law.
You've been nothing but a disruptive influence,
ever since you got here.
Well, I'm learning, and that's the point,
but don't kick me out.
I got nowhere else to go. I got nowhere else to go!
Why does that sound familiar?
It's from An Officer and a Gentleman.
That's what Richard Gere said.
See? I'm a good actor.
That's it! Out!
I want you out right now!
I don't care what arrangement you have with my husband.
I won't tolerate this anymore!
No, come on.
- Dickie, no...! - Please!
- No! Oh! - Listen...
Oh, no!
Dickie! Ah!
- Go! Go! Go, now! I mean it! - Hey, ow!
You don't understand, I know I'm screwed up.
I have no center.
I'm completely lost.
Look at me, I'm a massive failure as a human being.
I wear gloves 24 hours a day.
Why? Because I'm afraid to physically touch anything
or anyone.
I don't want people to look in my eyes
'cause they'll realize there's nothing there.
I'm a complete and total mess.
Grace, do you think you could take
your little dysfunctional family fight inside?
We don't need to see your dirty laundry.
Mrs. Gertrude, please, okay?
Just blow it out your ass!
This is between me and my family.
Well!
- Mom, that was awesome! - Mom, that was awesome!
Wait a second.
Why did you say that?
Is that because I told you to stand up for yourself?
It is. See, Grace?
I-I'm not totally useless.
Dickie, this whole thing is just crazy.
I mean, you can't just observe a family
and learn how to be.
You know, it's not like monkey-see, monkey-do.
It's more than that.
You don't understand. I'm desperate.
If I become a star again, everyone will come back.
My mom will come home, just like before.
Dickie, it's not supposed to work that way.
I know, but can I hope for anything different?
Grace, please.
I need this part.
I need it so bad,
that I don't know if I can go on without it.
Hey, Mom?
Maybe we could give Dickie just one last chance?
Yeah, Mom.
He could do better.
I mean, if we help.
What's Popeye got in his mouth?
My gosh, it's a dead rabbit.
Oh, my God.
It's the Gertrudes' pet rabbit.
Popeye killed their pet rabbit.
Popeye bad dog!
What are we going to do?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Popeye must have gotten
into the backyard cage and killed him.
God, they're already mad at us.
Now we're in all kinds of trouble.
Wait a second.
We can fix this.
Rub-a-dub-dub, bunny in the tub.
Do you think we should shampoo it?
Do you have any "Gee, Your Dead Rabbit Smells Terrific"?
Oh.
No, but I have V05.
We'll put in some leave-in conditioner
and a protein pack.
This thing will look good as new
except for the being dead part.
Stop it.
I think we better start to blow-dry it soon.
Then I'm going to go get a brush.
Hurry.
Okay, tell you what.
I'll put it back in the cage
all clean and when the Gertrudes come home,
they open the cage
and they think it dies of natural causes.
It's the perfect plan.
You guys, the Gertrudes... I think they're coming home.
All right, let's go. Okay, okay, dry it.
Here, here.
Here we go.
Dry it, dry it, dry it.
Okay, it's back in the cage.
We're totally off the hook.
Hey, what's in the cage?
It's Peter! Oh, no!
Devil rabbit.
Devil rabbit, devil rabbit!
Mr. And Mrs. Gertrude, what's wrong?
Our pet bunny died two days ago.
We buried it over there.
And now he's back in the cage!
Oh, Satan taunts us!
Oh, devil rabbit!
That is a sign from hell!
It means move out of that house.
Move!
Spirits of rabbits.
Devil rabbit! Devil rabbit!
Woo! Get out!
There they go. They're moving out.
Devil rabbit!
Devil rabbit.
That was fun.
So, can I stay?
So those three bullies don't bug you anymore?
I knew it, they're morons.
Hey, what do you call this hairstyle again?
The Tiger-Do.
Looks cool, right, Sam?
Yeah, man.
Bitchin' cool style, man.
I love it.
What's this one, the porcupine? Oh, oh.
So, what do you want to do today, Dickie?
First up, teach me how to ride a bike.
Yeah!
I'm pedaling. I think I got it.
Let him go.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Go for it!
I'm doing it.
Dickie, are you okay?
Ow!
Who put that truck there?
Are you all right?
Oh, wow.
Oh. I'm seeing birds and bells and beautiful girls.
Sam, front and center on the double.
We're just moving in to this house.
Oh, well, we got a new neighbor.
What do you think of that, Sam?
Sam, you want to say hello to the new neighbor?
Hello.
Hi.
He had you at hello, didn't he?
Listen, these guys are teaching me
how to ride a bike. You want to come with?
- Sure. - All right, let's go.
Yeah!
Whoa!
Ow.
Oh-oh.
Whoa.
Did you ever have such a bad wipe-out you don't even feel it?
That wasn't one of them.
Here you go, guys.
Thanks, Mrs. Finney.
Thanks a lot.
You okay?
I munched it out there.
You're all right.
So you're really going to help me?
Yes, of course I'm going to help you.
If someone doesn't step in soon, you might kill yourself.
Look, Dickie, you've
been going about this thing all wrong.
You know, there's no rhyme or reason to your plan.
You're like a chicken running around with its head cut off.
I am.
A chicken with his head chopped off, that's a good analogy.
Stop it.
Okay,
but if you want my help,
you play by my rules and my rules only.
Okay? So first, the gloves.
Off they go.
Wait a minute.
Dickie, for this to work,
we've got to almost reboot you, like a human computer.
Not the gloves, anything but the gloves.
Okay, well.
Okay, okay.
But I just want you to know
that this is like me asking you to take your top off.
Which is crazy, right?
Dickie.
Right.
Oh, air... Ow.
I don't like it.
Happy?
Yes. See?
Grace?
There are men in stilts plastering in there.
Is this part of your interior design thing?
No, George, it was damaged from the water bed accident.
Dickie what the hell did you do to your hair?
Oh. I dyed it.
It no come out so good.
Look, it was my idea, okay?
People were recognizing him
and he was being distracted from his project.
He was going to do a commercial for me, Grace.
George, he's already paying you a lot of money
to be here, isn't that enough?
I had a lot of plans for him.
He's a human being, okay?
He's not just some product for you to use.
All right.
Wow, I feel like you have completely undermined me here.
I'm going out.
Oh, boy.
What?
That was, like, the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What is?
That I'm not some product.
Wow.
Then, as Hallmark cards go, you'd be easy to please.
Listen, I... I'm sorry George is mad at you.
Is that because of me?
No, but that's good.
You're starting to think like a real kid.
Kids always think it's their fault when parents split up.
Is that what's going to happen to you and George?
I don't know.
You know, I do everything I can think of
to keep it together for the kids.
I'm a mom first, but...
George makes me feel so guilty for even wanting a career,
you know, like it makes me less of a mom.
Well, I got news for you.
They don't even write TV moms as good as you are.
Well now, we're even.
Because that's the nicest compliment I've ever heard.
You know, we probably should dye your hair back.
Yeah.
Well, since you're going to be here a while,
I think I should read this script.
See what it is you want so badly.
Please do.
Maybe you can make some sense of it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't know what to do.
No gloves.
Don't need 'em.
Dickie, you promised to help me
with my pep squad tryouts.
Oh, I will.
That pep squad spot's got your name all over it.
Did I ever tell you I was a backup dancer for Vanilla Ice?
No way.
Oh, yeah, I owe him a call.
Boom.
We're right on time.
- Are you sure? - Yep, yep.
All right. Here we go.
You got the words down?
I think so, yeah.
I think you do, too.
I drew this up last night.
These are your dance steps.
Okay, girls, come on, let's go.
It's time to start.
Our first contestant is Heather Bolan.
Hey, Stallions, I got a message for you.
And it goes like this.
Oh
I, I
I
I wanna be bad with you, baby
I, I...
I, I
I wanna be bad with you, baby
Do you
Understand what I need from you?
Just let me be the girl to show you, you
Everything that she can be is everything that I can be
I wanna be
My turn
Let me let you know that I can
Promise that I won't do that
So, boy, I-I wanna be bad
You make bad feel so good
I'm losing all my cool
I'm about to break the rules
I, I wanna be bad.
Thank you.
Slut.
Our next contestant, Sally Finney.
Have fun. Just have fun, okay?
You're good. You know it.
It is the night
My body's weak
I'm on the run
No time to sleep
I've got to ride
Ride like the wind
To be free again
And I've got such a long way to go
Such a long way to go
To make it to the border of Mexico
So I'll ride
Like the wind
Ride like the wind
Gonna ride like the wind.
Oh, that was great!
Yeah!
That was perfect.
Sally, I'm so proud of you.
Yippee!
Oh, good morning, everybody.
Ooh, I had a rough night.
First time I tried
sleeping without my gloves on in ten years.
Insane in the membrane.
Hey, Dickie, okay.
I saw Barbie outside and I started talking to her,
but I got all tongue-tied and I wasn't making sense.
I know.
It sounded like you said, "I love meat loaf."
Oh, so you could understand that part.
All right, I think that's going to need a little work, buddy.
Nothing against meat loaf though.
All right, why don't you tots run off to school?
I'm going to grab a cup of java.
Bye, Dickie.
Bye.
Ooh, morning.
Morning.
Never needed this stuff more.
No. No coffee.
Kids don't drink coffee.
What? That's crazy.
Juice.
No, coffee in the morning.
Shh. Dickie, I got to talk to you about this script.
I know why you want to do this movie so much.
I read it last night. It's wonderful.
Really?
Please, can you explain it to me?
Okay, Mr. Blake
discovers that heaven is in his own backyard.
Oh, wait.
That's... I didn't get that part.
Like heaven, like real heaven?
Yes, he's this billionaire,
and he buys this mysterious plot of land
and he wants to build the biggest house
of all time on it.
To be admired by the whole world.
Right on. Well, that sounds like me.
They should just give me that part.
Here's the problem.
The bigger he builds this giant house,
the smaller heaven becomes in his backyard.
Hmm.
But he still has a big house, right?
Have you ever seen MTV Cribs?
Tommy Lee has a sex room.
And how come all the rappers have a video
of Scarface going all the time?
Yeah, okay, meanwhile,
there's this woman, Esmerelda, she's Mr. Blake's housekeeper,
and he falls madly in love with her, right?
And then she dies.
Wait. She die-dies?
I thought this was a happy movie.
Oh, it is.
Esmerelda goes to heaven... you see,
so by discovering true love,
Mr. Blake's able to see the heaven in his own backyard...
the heaven that was always there,
only he couldn't see it...
so he tears down this enormous house,
and he lives in his own backyard in a little shack...
and it's all to be near Esmerelda.
Do you see, Dickie?
Do you see what that story means?
I don't. No.
I don't understand any of it.
- Now, come on. - No!
No coffee.
Here, have a nice bowl of cereal instead.
Cereal?
I've been drinking coffee since I was three.
I need a pick-me-up.
Too bad.
Fine, cereal it is.
Oh, my gosh, there's a prize inside.
There's a prize...
Hey, you guys!
- Hey, Dickie. - Hey, Dickie.
What do we have planned next?
Oh, your Mom's got a lot of stuff planned.
- Yeah. - Like what?
Like what?
You're crazy.
Whoa.
Hello, Dickie.
I've missed you.
So, this guy totally kidnapped me
when I was hitchhiking that day,
and he was totally weird with, like, this great haircut,
so I was actually fooled into thinking that he was okay,
you know?
So I finally escaped,
and I went back to Dickie's apartment,
and Dickie was gone, and I was, like,
"Well, I have got to see my Dickie."
Um, right.
Uh, I...
I'm doing this thing here, Cyndi, and...
I just don't know
if it's a great idea if you're around,
only because I'm trying to focus on the plan.
Um, I'm thinking if we, uh, up your rent
a little bit, there's really no reason why
Cyndi can't stay in the den.
What?
Oh, Dickie, thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, baby.
Wha... George?
Baby, I have saved up a sexual experience
of a lifetime for you,
but first, let's loosen things up a bit,
light some candles,
drink some champagne.
- Okay. - Okay.
Do it.
Oh, me, yeah.
Get out of here, gross dog.
- Hmm-mm-mm! - Hmm-mm-mm!
Taittinger, the finest bubbly.
Do you like that painting?
Huh?
Ow!
Oh... whoo, got ya.
Got away from me.
Ooh, this baby is wound up.
Incoming!
Ow.
You're fine, you're fine.
No blood. Cheers.
- Nice. - Yuck.
So... relax, let me tell you about this family.
Oh... I'm having a good time.
They are great.
Well, George, he's the dad.
He's a little... off, but Sam... he's a great kid.
He... he's funny.
He doesn't know how great he is,
because he's always getting bullied at school,
and it took away all his confidence.
He has a crush on this girl next door,
and I'm helping him with that, but...
uh, you probably don't want to hear all this.
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
And Sally is cute, and smart, and funny,
and just the other day I was telling her...
Yeah? Wow, that's really interesting,
um, but that Grace... she's a real looker...
in her own way... I guess.
Grace... Wow, I...
Mom? I never thought of her like that.
That's funny.
Yeah, right, like you hadn't noticed?
Come on, and you think I didn't notice
that George is hot?
You haven't changed, Dickie.
You just think you have.
So, are we going to do this sex or not,
because I kind of want to get it over with.
Maybe we shouldn't, you know?
Maybe-maybe it's not a good idea tonight.
Wait, y-you're turning me down?
Unbelievable.
These yokels are really getting to you.
Okay, well, if we're not doing it,
will you at least put out the damn candles?
Oh, not this one. It smells great.
This is sandalwood vanilla.
You'd love that.
Ooh!
Oh! Oh!
- Oh, oh! - Oh, my God.
I'm on fire, you idiot!
I'm sorry.
Hey, pal.
Up-bu-bu-bup, excuse me.
I thought I told you not to bother our customers.
Hey, pal, I'm harmless.
I just want to talk to Robbie for, like, ten seconds.
Jerry, Asto, get rid of this guy.
Beat it, pal.
Let's go.
Oh, it's him! It's Rob!
Hey, how you doing? Nice to see you.
Always a pleasure. Love your car.
Oh, yeah, we have, uh, global warming...
I understand.
Hey, Rob, it's me, Sidney Wernick.
Rob?
Oh, he's getting away.
Robbie! Rob!
It's me, Sidney Wernick.
I'm Dickie Roberts' agent.
Give me five seconds.
Yep, she's a cutie.
I'll give you that.
A girl that pretty is never going to like me.
Come on, have you seen Ric Ocasek from The Cars?
That guy's rough.
You're way ahead of him.
Listen, all you got to do is show her
what a cool, funny dude you are.
But... I'm not good at talking like you are.
Well, that's debatable.
Let's talk to your mom about it.
Maybe she has some ideas.
No, no. We can't talk to a mom about this.
This is stuff a dad has to help me with,
you know, man to man.
I got an idea.
Come here.
Ooh...
Each day through my window, I watch her as she passes by
To have a girl like her
Is truly a dream come true
Out of all the fellas in the world
She belongs to me
But it was just my imagination
Running away with me
It was just my imagination
Running away with me...
Ho-ho, whoa, Sam!
Whoa-whoa!
Ow.
Uh, Barbie...
Uh, Barbie, I was... I was hoping
you'd like to go to a movie with me.
Yes, Sam, I'll go to a movie with you.
Ooh...
Idiot!
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, hey, wait, hold on, here he is.
Dickie, it's Sidney... it sounds like something's wrong.
What?
Hey, Sidney, what's up?
Dickie, turn on the news.
Famous director Rob Reiner was the victim
of a road rage incident today in Hollywood.
Witnesses say that Mr. Reiner was stopped at a red light
when a large angry man pulled Mr. Reiner
out of his Honda Insight
and began beating him for well over a minute.
Mr. Reiner was rushed to a nearby hospital,
his only dazed words being,
"I have no idea what I did to make that man so angry."
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
Dickie, I got you an audition.
You got me that audition? How?
Well, it's a long story, but it's tomorrow at 3:00.
Tomorrow at 3:00? I-I-I'm... I'll never be ready.
Well, you got to be ready,
because the audition's at the hospital,
and then Rob's going under for an operation.
What, an operation?
Well, anyway, long story short,
Rob needs a kidney, and I'm giving him one of mine.
We swapped...
a kidney for an audition.
You'd better get that job!
Holy crap.
It's tomorrow.
I'm not ready.
Wait.
I've got an idea.
Okay, here we go.
You're going to be ready, Dickie.
This is the big one.
It's Christmas morning.
You're waking up excited.
You think you heard reindeer on the roof, okay?
All right, I'll be down in a second.
Mom, this was such a good idea to help Dickie.
Do you think he could pretend it's Christmas even though
- It's not for a while? - Sure, he can,
and if coming down the stairs and seeing his first red bicycle
helps him with his acting somehow, then...
huh?
He really is special, isn't he?
Who would've thought?
Yeah, I mean how is it possible that Stranger Danger
turned out to be so cool?
Hey, where's Cyndi?
I thought she would've helped him with this.
Slut.
Here I come.
Wow, a bicycle.
You guys...
that was... that was great of you to do this for me.
Thanks for being so cool to put this together, but...
But what?
but... I guess it's true you can never go home again.
I mean, I missed out on the real thing,
and I don't... I don't think I'll ever get it back.
Well, maybe you didn't get something back.
Maybe you got something you never had.
Dickie...
...you've been so good with my family.
You've been so good to me.
You're so different than the angry, weird guy
who landed on our doorstep a month ago.
You're a joy to have around...
so... as a present
for all that you've done to help us.
This isn't part of your experiment.
I got this gift for you.
Candy Land.
You remembered?
That's what moms do.
You grew up, Dickie Roberts.
That's so unfair!
I'm really sorry that you're here, Mr. Reiner.
Thanks, but why are you sorry?
It's not like you had anything to do with that guy going nuts.
All right.
Okay.
You ready to read?
We-we don't have much time here.
I think I'm ready.
Woo! I got the part!
Yeah. Woo.
I got it, baby!
Come here, doggy.
I got...
Congratulations.
Is it hot out here?
- Oh. - Oh.
I got it.
You guys, I got it.
Where is everybody?
You guys, are you kidding me?
I got it. It worked.
Where are you?
There you are.
I got the part!
Oh!
That's wonderful.
Something's wrong.
Oh, George and Cyndi?
George and Cyndi?
They ran off together?
So we're going to film in Hawaii.
I'm going to be there, like, six months.
I sacrificed so much to get this.
Sidney gave up his kidney.
I'll send you guys some money.
No. No, Dickie.
Please, don't worry about us.
You're not responsible for us.
I'm not?
I sometimes feel like I am. I mean...
George didn't just
suddenly lose his head, you know?
Something like this was going to happen sooner or later.
Dickie, it's not your fault.
It's his fault.
Did she take the rest of your money?
Yeah.
Yeah, but I don't care, you know?
It was never about the money.
It was about something more than that.
And now you have that, right?
Yeah.
I have everything I always wanted.
And I have you to thank.
Dickie.
Go find your happiness.
Wherever that takes you.
Dickie, Dickie...
It'll just take one minute of your time.
What does it feel like to be living the Hollywood dream?
Dickie, over here.
We want to interview the comeback kid
for Hollywood Scene.
Sally, come on.
Dickie,
Jann Carl, from Entertainment Tonight.
Look, we want to do an exclusive interview.
It's an amazing story.
You have climbed your way back.
Folks, it looks like
we'll be departing here on time today.
We anticipate a smooth trip to the Hawaiian islands,
and we appreciate you flying with us here
on Christmas Eve. Ho, Ho, Ho.
Sit back, relax and enjoy your trip.
So,
did you want coffee, tea... or me?
Oh, Brittany, you are wicked.
Mr. Roberts can't join the mile-high club.
We're still on the ground.
Thanks anyway, ladies.
I'm just going to study my lines.
Oh yeah, we heard about the movie and the director.
You're a huge star.
So tell us... what's the movie about?
- We are huge fans. - Huge.
Huge. Seriously huge fans.
- Sick. - We love your work.
I mean, but normal.
Totally normal.
It's about this guy, Mr. Blake.
And in the movie, he wants to build the biggest house
in the whole world, because he thinks
it will make him happy, but it doesn't.
It doesn't?
Big houses make me horny.
Me, too.
Well, he used to think the same way,
but then he falls in love.
Is she a flight attendant?
Does she get to live in that big house?
'Cause I met this producer...
No, no, no. Listen, listen.
He finds love, and he realizes that love is everything.
Not the biggest house in the world,
not being a billionaire.
He finds out what he wanted wasn't what he needed,
and what he needed was in his own backyard.
It was right there in his own backyard.
I didn't have the money
for real presents this year, okay?
So, Sam, if what I got you is not what you really wanted,
or you're disappointed, we can return it.
And Sally, the same goes for you, all right?
Whoa.
Whoa. Look at all this stuff.
Where did all this come from?
Dickie!
Dickie, you're here.
What are you doing here?
I can't believe it.
- Hey. - Merry Christmas.
Dickie, what about your movie?
Well, sometimes in Hollywood if you say no,
it only makes them want you more.
So you're staying, Dickie?
If your Mom's okay with it, I'd like room and board
for quite a while.
Oh.
Okay!
And so Dickie Roberts' dreams did come true,
but in a way he never could have imagined.
He created a sitcom based on his exploits,
and, with Leif Garrett starring as the Dickie character,
the show quickly climbed into the top ten,
winning four Emmys.
Here's Dickie and his agent, Sidney Wernick.
I may have to pee every 45 minutes,
but at least I get to pee in a gold toilet.
Dickie didn't forget his friends,
and they enjoy a weekly spot on the popular sitcom.
With Grace in charge of set design,
Sam writing jokes,
and Sally becoming the youngest choreographer in TV,
Dickie keeps the show a real family affair.
Brick wall, waterfall, Danny thinks
he's got it all, but he don't.
And we do.
So boom with that attitude.
A Reese's Pieces, 7 UP.
Mess with us, we mess you up.
And cut. So good.
They're driving me crazy.
As for George and Cyndi,
their ill-fated romance didn't quite work out.
Would you make yourself useful and get me a drink?
How about some champagne?
Whatever.
The bottle impact led to a case of walking amnesia,
and George was last seen hitchhiking into the desert
to find himself.
Cyndi, soon after, begged Dickie for a job.
He gave her a guest part on his show,
on the episode titled "Cyndi Gets Poison Oak."
Its success led to a spin-off for Cyndi called,
The Bitch Who Didn't Know She Was a Bitch.
As for Dickie Roberts, millions of Americans tuned in
to the sitcom's wedding show
which reflected Dickie's real-life marriage
to the love of his life, Grace.
The old saying goes,
"There's no business like show business,"
but as the incredible saga of "Dickie Roberts,
Former Child Star," shows us, the more apt saying is,
"There's no love like real love."
This has been the story of Dickie Roberts:
The E! True Hollywood Story.
Former child stars are people, too
They're the same as you, and you and you
So we ask this simple question
How can it be that you occasionally
Don't respect their dignity?
'Cause as they make their way through life
Long after the spotlight's faded
There are things some of you do
That make them want to be sedated
We loved being child stars
On your television
But please stop giving us crap
Or we'll have a head-on collision
Thank you for letting me in your living rooms
To entertain you before bed
But if one more person calls me Marcia
I'll bust his fucking head
She's very grateful, just like she said
But please don't call her Marcia
Or she'll bust your freaking head
Yeah, I'd rather be called Marcia then Screech.
So I'm sitting alone in Arby's
I get questions that make me see red
Hey, Eddie?
Where's Herman Munster?
Well, pal, for ten years, he's been dead
They ask, "Hey, Lucy, where's J.R.?"
Come on, y'all, be realistic.
One more "Hey, Joanie, where's Chachi,"
and I'll go ballistic.
Our costars are not on our speed dial
So please don't ask
Or we'll take that phone and shove it
Right up your dumb fat ass
No, we don't ride in fancy limos
Private jets, they're not for us
So you may see us driving Neons
Or riding the Greyhound bus
Yeah, we live just like all of you
So don't call us losers
Or we'll punch you with so many rights
You'll be begging for lefts
And beggars can't be choosers
I was on Teen Beat with Michael Jackson
Now he's bigger, I suppose
Yeah, yeah
Though he may be a multi-zillionaire
At least I still have my nose
At least we're not crazy
We don't sleep with chimpanzees
We don't bleach our skin
Or dangle babies from balconies
We loved being child stars on your television
But misbehave and we'll bust your head
Gee, Wally, was it something they said?
Child stars on your television
Most of us have nothing to lose
So we'll put your butt on the 5:00 news
Child stars on your television
We don't know karate, but we do know crazy
We'll beat you so bad, your future will be hazy
Child stars on your television
Don't ever say, "Didn't you used to be...?"
Or I'll put your head through a vintage TV
Child stars on your television
Eight rehabs isn't enough
But I've done and seen the most killer stuff
Child stars on your television
You want an autograph but I'ma tell you this
Don't ask a brother when he's taking a piss
Child stars on your television
You can dance like me, you can dance like Mickey
I'll hurt you real bad, you can take it from Kenickie
Now of course we've been kidding
This has all been in fun
We're happy you still love us, after our shows have gone
But please just follow our simple rules
Or we'll beat you like rented mules.
We loved being child stars on your television
Child stars
Child stars.
All right you guys, thanks for coming.
Let's skedoodle.
All right, that's seriously the end.
People in the back, beat it.
We know you left your popcorn.
That's fine. Someone will get it.
And quit pretending like you're reading the credits.
They're so small,
and we're pushing them by so fast.
We don't even know who these people are.
It's some contract thing.
Who was that?
Was that one of you guys, or was that me?
That was me.
Got a little bite in it.
Come on, that's funny.